Cold As You
by AshesIntoFlames
Summary: “You’re never in the mood Ash. You haven’t been in the mood to do anything since…” She stops, taking a deep breath before meeting my eyes. This was a topic that we did not broach. A name that we no longer spoke. “It’s been two years Ashley."
1. As I Am

So, I'm new to this whole fanfiction writing thing, so here's hoping you like it. I pretty much have this story figured out, although I'm not sure if I'll go with the ending I have in mind...I guess we'll see. It's just something that came to me randomly and after having months of writer's block, I welcomed it with open arms and now I'm posting it. I hope that it's enjoyed and hopefully there'll be reviews. The flashbacks are in italics, so I guess, here goes nothing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

**As I Am**

I fidgeted with the device in my hands, turning it once then twice. It began to tremble as I lost control over the functions of my right hand. I focused on its tremors before taking a deep breath, then using more effort than should have been necessary, I tried to quell its movements. When it stilled, I walked to my bedroom closet and grabbed the familiar metal stand. I had done this so many times that the nerves seemed a bit excessive, yet somehow they seemed to be propelling me forward. I positioned the tripod in front of my bed and carefully placed the camera atop it. After taking another deep breathe, I pressed the power button aligning the frame just the way I wanted it. I walked back to my bed and picked up the tiny remote waiting there for me. Looking down at it, I hesitated, just for a moment blue eyes flashed through my memory. Pressing record, I look up at the camera just a few feet away from me. The room is filled with silence as I gather my thoughts together, trying to figure out what I was going to say.

"It's been a while," I laugh at that, a real, genuine laugh that ends with a smile, but as the smile began to take my face, the tears followed suit. Usually this is about as far as I get. I get to the tears and it's time to pack up the camera, place it in the back of the closet and forget about blue eyes and broken promises, but today's different. I close my eyes, my index finger tracing patterns on the ring on my left hand, and for just a second I escape reality. I'm taken to a different time, a different place, and a whole other tragedy.

_We're laying down on my bed. Her head positioned on my chest while her arm is draped across my stomach, her blonde hair cascading down perfect skin as a comfortable silence wafts through the room. _

"_Ash," It's said barely above a whisper but flowing out of those lips, it seems to echo off the walls. "Ash, you awake?"_

_I laugh, I can't really help it when it comes to the girl in my arms. "Yes Spencer, I'm awake."_

_The words have barely left my lips before I feel the bed shift beside me. Contact with the body that once lay there all but disappears. This catches my attention, dropping the smile off of my face immediately. I look at Spencer, studying the girl sitting Indian Style beside me, hands in her lap, with her head down._

"_What's wrong?" It's the first thing that comes to mind, so I say it._

_Spencer hesitates, opening and closing her mouth a few times before finally saying "I have to tell you something."_

_A million and one thoughts run through my mind before I repeat the same question I had just asked. "What's wrong?"_

"_I'm sorry," With that the tears fill both our eyes. I try desperately to cling to a mundane reason that would warrant an apology, but as I examine the girl beside me, I can't quite grasp anything substantial. Somehow I missed Spencer moving closer, I didn't quite feel it as my body was then straddled by the crying blonde, but as Spencer's lips met my own, I fell back into that all too familiar rhythm. I could still feel the tears flowing down her face but as I was pulled all the more closer, I forgot about almost confessions and focused on the body pressed against mine, and the hips that had begun rolling into my own. "I am so sorry." _

I open my eyes, finding myself looking directly into the camera lens. I take a final deep breath before beginning. "I'm not okay." Those three simple words seem to punctuate my last two years. I want to say more. I have so much pent up grief that it surprises me that after ten minutes, that's all that has been said. Tears stream down my face as a familiar one takes over my senses. I close my eyes again, but this time there is no memory, there is just a heightened darkness that seems to drown me.

Before too long the camera is placed back safely into the closet. Forgotten until another moment of vulnerability, another moment to be documented.

There's a knock at my door before it's gently pushed open. I don't even bother turning around. There's only one person it could be. She's the only one that stops by without a warning call. "Hey Kyla." It comes out strained, as if the voice had not come from my lips.

"Mom called."

I roll my eyes, "Is that why you're here?"

"No."

For the first time since Kyla entered the room, I turn to face her. "So, then why are you here?"

If it were anyone else Kyla would ask if there was a problem. If something had happened to cause the tearstains on the face before her. But she knew better. She knew not to question. She already knew the answers. In two years she had seen the strongest, most confident person she knew reduced to nothing more than a shell of the person I once were. I had become the fragile, broken girl standing no more than a few feet away. It broke Kyla's heart to see her sister reduced to this nothingness, but there was nothing she could do about it. There was nothing anyone could do about it, the one person that could provide a valiant effort was no longer there, and there was no way of getting her back.

"Come out with us tonight."

"No," I was not in the mood to go out. I didn't want to be surrounded by people. I just wanted to be alone, to bask in my own emotions. I wasn't in the mood for fake smiles and forced conversations.

"It's Aiden's birthday. You promised him you'd be there."

"No Kyla, I didn't. You promised him I'd be there. Guess you'll just have to break it to him yourself," with that I leave the room, walking into the kitchen I grab a bottle of water before taking a seat on the couch, Kyla following close behind.

"Okay, fine, I promised him. But will you just come out tonight? Please?"

"I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood Ash. You haven't been in the mood to do anything since…" She stops, taking a deep breath before meeting my eyes. This was a topic that we did not broach. A name that we no longer spoke. "It's been two years Ashley. And I know that it's something that'll never stop hurting, but you can't just put your life on hold, and you can't keep pushing us away. We miss you. And I know that you don't wanna hear it but we're just worried about you."

I don't know why, but I start fiddling with my hands. "There's nothing to worry about."

Reaching over, Kyla places her hand on my knee. "You know, it's okay to let me in."

Getting up, effectively removing all contact, I make my way to the bedroom door. "I'll just be a minute."


	2. Good and Broken

So, I'm back with an update. Thank you to those who read my story and especially those who reviewed. Flashbacks are in Italics.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Enjoy!

**Good and Broken**

I manage to shut the door before it hits. Before the shortness of breath and the pounding in my ears take over. I'm so used to these now that they've become customary, they're just another part of the routine now. The back of my head connects with the door as the pounding grows in volume. These attacks used to be so overwhelming, managing to take over my entire body as they hit, but now they're just predictable. I know when they're on their way even before the first sign shows itself. I can feel my body sliding down the door and headed towards the ground out of instinct. It knows that the shaking comes next. The uncontrollable spasms that leave me spent. As the first tremors hit the fingers on my left hand, the fingers encasing the most important trace of Spencer's, I shut my eyes. I let the darkness of this room completely engulf me.

_I don't know why I agree to these things. I swear if she weren't so adorably pathetic when pouting I wouldn't allow her to take advantage of me in this way. But, alas, I am nothing when it comes to the Spencer pout. I become a puddle with it's mere presence. That's exactly why I find myself blindfolded and being led to God knows where. _

"_You better be naked when these come off or I won't be a happy camper." I say as those very images implant themselves into my mind._

"_You know, not everything's about sex."_

"_Whoever told you that needs to be kicked." After thinking about it for a moment I add on "In the face."_

_She laughs. "Okay, I'll be sure to tell my mother that." I laugh too. The thought of Paula getting kicked in the face is just too precious. _

_She suddenly stops me. She turns me to face her and takes a deep breath before reaching around me and undoing the blindfold. Out of nowhere a set of nerves hit me and my eyes close just as she lowers the satin material._

"_You can open your eyes now." She says after a minute passes. I know she's smiling, it's so obvious._

_I wait another minute before opening my eyes. When they finally come open, I take a look at the girl standing in front of me. I'm drawn to the most beautiful blue eyes to ever exist. She smiles at me as I scan her body. "Damn, I was really hoping for naked Spencer."_

_Somehow her smile seems to grow. "If you play your cards right, I might be able to make that happen." That, in turn, makes me smile wider._

_I take a look around and I can't help the look of confusion that crosses my face. "You brought me to a lake?"_

"_Yes, but it's not just any lake." She says suggestively and I quirk an eyebrow. "You don't remember." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. _

_I tried to imagine why this lake would be so significant. It wasn't much to look at, it was simply a body of water meeting land, everything around it seemed to be dying or headed in that direction. This place seemed to be nothing special, yet somehow the complete opposite. There was a familiarity of these surroundings. A memory just itching to reach the surface. I had been here before. We had been here before. "At least you're not throwing things at me this time."_

_The slight frown that begun to grace her features was replaced by a larger than life smile. "Yeah well, you're less annoying now."_

"_Oh, am I?" She nods. "Come on, you and I both know I was never annoying, you were just smitten with me."_

_She scans my body, her eyes finally landing on my own before she says. "Clearly." I can't help it when another fit of laughter comes from my lips and as I hear her voice begin to mingle with my own, it only seems to escalate._

"_Why did you bring me here?" _

_She takes a deep breath, most likely ridding herself of the last bits of giggling. "I figured significant moments required significant places, and what's more significant than the place we met?" _

_I take a step towards her. A slow deliberate step because the distance seems too much. The two feet that once separated us felt like two miles. Now there was barely a centimeter separating me from the most gorgeous girl in the entire world, yet somehow it still doesn't seem to be enough. Her arms go around me instinctively and mine find purchase on her waist. I move my right hand up to her face, brushing a stray hair away before cupping it. I lean forward, pressing my forehead against hers as my thumb draws circles on her cheek. "Nothing could possibly compare to meeting you."_

_Her hands leave my neck and make their way to her waist, where mine are holding on lightly. She grabs them and laces our fingers together. Taking a step back, she brings our joined hands between us and looks me directly in the eyes. "I'm still kind of hoping to top it." _

_I can't help but smile. "You can try, but it may not work in your favor."_

"_Well then…" She trails off as she reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a small velvet box. "I guess I'll just have to keep trying."_

"_Spencer-"_

"_Before you say anything and potentially ruin this moment for me, can I just say what I have to say? Please?" I nod. "I know you think that I'm stealing your thunder here, but I'm not. I'm not proposing. But I am making a promise." She clears her throat. "I get that we're only in high school and naïve…and every other label that people love to put on us and our relationship, but I also get that we're meant to be. We're meant to be more than just some high school fling or…a college convenience. You're my forever and I hope I'm right in thinking I'm yours."_

_The lump in my throat grows slightly as the first set of tears make their way down my face. I barely recognize my own voice when I hear myself speak. "You are."_

"_And that's why I'm doing this. Because our relationship means that much. And I promise to never forget that, to never hurt you, or…stop loving you and to always be there, no matter what."_

_I kiss her. I pull her in and kiss her with all that I have inside me, with every passion and emotion I possess._

The pounding on the door behind me brings me back to reality. When I open my eyes, I'm met with blurry surroundings. I'm still on the floor.

"Ash…Ashley, are you okay?"

I attempt to steady the quiver in my voice. "I'm-" The word comes out strained and barely above a whisper. After the third failed attempt, I lift myself up and open the door. I'm met with a disheveled looking Kyla.

"Hey…"

"Hey! Hey! I've been knocking on the door for the past five minutes and all you have to say to me is hey? What the hell happened in here?"

"Nothing, okay? I'm fine." Even as the words leave my lips, I know they don't hold even a bit of truth, but Kyla won't push. Knowing Kyla she'll just pretend that she believes me.

She bites her bottom lip. "I take it you won't be going tonight."

"Tell Aiden I'm sorry."

"I will. And if you need anything…" She trails off as she shuts the door behind her. She knows better than to stay when I'm in one of these moods. She knows all too well not to push me too far.

I lock my bedroom door before making my way to the closet. Grabbing the camera and tripod that had been placed there earlier, I set them up in their familiar spot and take a seat on the bed. Playing with the remote in my hand, I turn it over and over again before pointing it towards the device and hitting record.

"This isn't how it was supposed to be. We're supposed to be together…and happy. I'm not supposed to be living my life without her." I stop for a moment. As the tears come harder, my hands somehow find their way to my face. "She told me I was her forever. Forever doesn't end. It's just not supposed to."


	3. Hovering

So, I'm back with another update. Thank you again to all of you that are reading, especially those of you reviewing. I'm glad that you're enjoying it so far.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Remember: Flashbacks in Italics

Enjoy!

**Hovering**

I don't know how I ended up here. Standing outside of this bar, staring at what my life used to consist of. I think it was fresh air. I needed it. Somehow that translated into me driving twenty minutes away from my apartment and waiting outside of this gathering of morons. I can see Aiden stumbling around, probably on his eighth beer of the night. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be pretending like things are halfway to okay, even when they're not. I haven't been able to stop crying since the camera was placed back in its holding spot. The tears are flowing freely, I'm not even trying to slow them down or even hide them. I probably look insane simply standing outside of this building looking in on its patrons, but frankly I don't care. I'll stand out here forever if it means that somehow the pain has dulled, even just a fraction. My hands ball into fists on their own accord, my left clenching tighter as the feeling of cold metal is pressed further against my warm flesh.

A light wind blows just before the rain sets in. I continue to stand outside of this window, allowing for the rain to penetrate my clothing, soaking them through. I don't bother running for cover, I don't try to protect what little is still dry. I simply stand there, as if there had been no rain, no reason to scurry. The rain begins to come down harder, removing any trace of the tears that were once there, instead replacing them with its presence. Suddenly my phone rings. It screams into my darkness. I reach into my pocket fully intending to pick it up. Instead my finger comes into contact with a piece of paper. A folded piece of paper that has been read and re-read almost a thousand times. It stops me, completely halts me, and for just a second I think I stop breathing. I stop feeling altogether. My index finger traces the edge of the paper and my senses go into overdrive. The pounding in my ears begin its soft, steady rhythm, ready at anytime to increase and attempt to overwhelm. I know the shaking is on its way and I try with all my might to detour its arrival. I can't lose control, not here, not in this place. I close my eyes and am met with that face, the face that breaks me every time I see it. And this is too much. This is more than I can take. I can't handle this much Spencer, not after all that's happened, so I open my eyes and brace myself for what I know will come. I wait for it, I wait for the slow destruction that's sure to follow. Somehow, it doesn't. I'm not completely shattered.

I feel a set of arms wrap themselves around me. I don't flinch. I don't move even an inch. These arms are familiar. They've done this too often to cause alarm. She pulls me in closer, leading me to the bench waiting a few feet away, my legs pretty much going on autopilot. She guides me into a seated position before standing in front of me. I just look at her, following her every movement.

"You wanna talk about it?" She prods gently.

I shake my head.

"Okay, fair enough. Do you wanna tell me what happened?"

I shake my head once again. I know she's frustrated.

She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Come on…let me take you home."

I shake my head. I can already feel the tears threatening to spill over. "I can't."

"Okay," she grabs me by the arms and pulls me up. "So, where do you wanna go?"

I think of this city, this harbinger of bad memories, and I can't think of a place I can handle right now. There's too much Spencer here, too much of her with me to even attempt to escape it. Suddenly I'm being pulled. I'm being dragged to the parking lot and towards my car. She reaches into my pocket and pulls out my car keys, opening the passenger door before throwing me in. Going around to the driver's side she gets in and starts the car. The silence of this car begins to pull me in, beckoning to me. I feel a hand on my knee and I look up at Kyla glancing my way.

"I'm fine."

"You don't have to pretend with me."

I lower my gaze, eyes focused on nothing in particular. "I'm not."

She sighs. "I'm here Ash, I'm here whenever."

_I'm sitting under this tree, looking out on the lake. I've stopped noticing the rain, but the harsh winds blowing seem determined to make me take notice. My knees are pressed to my chest as my arms continue to pull them closer. The rainfall picks up, soaking any evidence of a dry body. I hear footsteps coming from behind me, twig after twig cracking under the weight of the body._

"_How'd you know I was here?"_

_She takes a seat next to me, leaning her head on my shoulders, her brown hair falling onto my wet clothes._

"_Glen called after you left. I figured you'd be out here."_

"_Did he tell you?"_

"_About Spencer? Yeah. You wanna talk about it?"_

_I shake my head._

"_We should probably get out of here." She says glancing around. Taking note of our wet surroundings._

_I shake my head once again. "Not yet."_

_We sit in silence, my arms tightening around my legs, tears streaming down my face._

"_Have you talked to her?"_

_I shake my head, my eyes landing on the lake ahead, watching as the rain penetrates its barriers. "She said all she needed to say, apparently."_

"_Maybe if you tried talking to her again…"_

"_I don't want to talk about it, Kyla." I say, my eyes closing on their own accord. I take a deep breath and look out at the lake in front of me." I just want to sit here and enjoy the view."_

_She sighs, following my gaze. "I'm here Ash, I'm here whenever."_

I look over at her. I stare for long moments, wondering how she could have lasted. How in two years, she had never pushed or prodded? How had she been exactly what I needed, without having to try?

The car comes to a stop, pulling up in front of a park. "Why are we here?"

"Remember when we were kids, and mom and dad would bring us here every Sunday? They'd sit over at that bench between the trees." She says pointing at what looks like a pile of wood thrown between two stumps.

"And we'd be on the swings." I add on, a smile trying to crack my stone features.

"Yeah and the entire time, mom would be freaking out, trying to get us not to swing as high. Then we'd jump off laughing and she'd just about have a heart attack."

"She wouldn't let us hear the end of it on the way home."

"No, she wouldn't" She says as she scans the area in front of us. The once bright and shining playground set, reduced to abandoned shambles, tossed aside and forgotten. "I miss it sometimes, the people we were at that age, before things changed. We were happy…you were happy."

"I was ten." She looks down and begins fiddling with her hands, twisting her fingers again and again before undoing them and repeating the process. I study her for a moment, taking in the woman beside me, the woman that was once my little sister. "You ever wonder if things would be different? You know, if Spencer hadn't left. If she'd tried a little harder."

She looks at me. Examines my face, attempting to decipher the expression plastered upon it. "I don't know."

I look through the windshield, taking in the ruins of my childhood. The broken swing, and rusted slide, that seem to completely envelop my memory. I reach into my pocket, my fingers instinctively wrapping around that folded piece of paper. This time, I take it out. I hold it in the palm of my hands and allow it to sear my skin. Kyla looks over, staring at that familiar piece of destruction.

"It still astounds me how much damage a few words can cause." She says, her eyes never leaving my palm.

"You and me both."


	4. Falling On Knees

So, I'm back with another update. I know it's been a while. A million thank yous to all of you that are reading, especially those of you reviewing. I'm glad that so many of you like my writing. Hopefully this'll shed some light on some of your unanswered questions and probably raise a few more.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Remember: Flashbacks in Italics

Enjoy!

**Falling On Knees**

I pull up to my apartment building in silence. The rain slowing down to a light drizzle. I get out of the car and shut the door before making my way to the entrance. I fiddle with the keys in my hand as the elevator makes its slow approach to my floor. I don't look up when the bell sounds and the door comes open. I step out of the elevator and begin making my way down the hallway to my apartment. As I make my way to my door, I am met with blue eyes and blonde hair.

He quickly lifts himself off of the floor before speaking. "Hey." I attempt a smile but it doesn't quite register with my face. "I tried calling but you didn't pick up."

He moves to the side as I put the key in the door and unlock it. "Yeah, I was with Kyla."

"Painting the town red I see." He laughs, but it's not the same laugh, not the one I'd grown accustomed to so many years ago. This is a new laugh, the laugh that came with a new Glen, the Glen after Spencer.

_I pull up to the house and slam on the breaks. I get out of the car and slam the door shut. I'm sure everyone within a five mile radius knows that I've arrived. I stomp up the walkway and pound on the door. I don't care how crazy I look right now. I don't care how much noise I'm making at seven o'clock in the morning. All I care about is the girl I know to be behind the door, the girl that left late in the night with only a letter to explain her actions. I can hear foot steps on the other side of the door and that only urges me more. It causes me to come down harder on the wood, to beat this door into submission. When the oak is pulled back I'm met with the wrong set of blue eyes and blonde hair. I'm met with Glen._

"_Is she here?" I ask as I begin to push past him and into the house. My attempt is proven to be futile when he so easily pushes me back outside of the door._

"_She doesn't want to see you." _

_I glare at him, attempting to send daggers with my eyes, when I notice it. I notice how exhausted he looks. I see the dark circles under his red rimmed eyes, the tearstains just under that. I see the mirror image of how I must look, how I've come to look. "Glen," I clear my throat then take a deep breath. "Will you just tell her I'm here? Please?"_

"_She knows."_

"_Okay, then can I come in instead?"_

"_She doesn't-"_

"_Want to see me, I know. I just want to talk to her, I can do that outside the door."_

_He hesitates. "You have five minutes."_

_As soon as the words leave his lips I'm inside the house and making my way up the stairs. I take them two at a time. When I reach the door, I brace myself before knocking. I hear her tell me to come in but I don't._

"_It's Ashley."_

_There's hesitation on the other side of the door. I can hear her approach but she doesn't open it and let me in. "I told Glen I didn't want to see you."_

_Somehow her validation of this statement seems to break me. I take a seat with my back pressed firmly against the door. "Technically you're not seeing me. I wanted to talk."_

"_There's nothing to talk about."_

"_Spence-"_

"_Just go home Ash."_

_I don't know why but I actually listen. I didn't push. I didn't force this conversation, I simply got up and walked out. I should've fought harder. I should have turned around, pounded on the door, and made her let me in. Every phone call or visit after that day meant nothing. Every attempt to get her to let me back in was useless because I lost my moment. I didn't fight for her when she needed me to._

Glen and I walk into the apartment one after the other. He takes a seat on the couch and I make my way to the kitchen. I grab two beers out of the fridge and walk back into the living room. I hand him one and take a seat on the couch beside him. He doesn't look my way and I don't look his. We sit there silently, each of us just sipping our drinks.

"How's Kyla?" He asks, slowly turning his attention to me.

"She's fine. How's the family?"

"Good, they're good."

We don't say much after that. We just sit in silence, occasionally I get up to get us more beers but other than that the movement is kept to a minimum. This is usually how it goes. We get the obligatory things out of the way and don't say much of anything after that. It's easier this way. It's how we deal with what's been handed to us. When he stands I do too. I follow him to the door and we stop at the doorway. We don't say anything there either. We just look at each other, our minds probably speaking the same thoughts. When he leans in, I don't back away. I allow him to engulf me in his arms, holding me tight to him, me holding on with just as much force. He squeezes me softly then holds me at arms length. He whispers a thank you and turns around and leaves. I shut the door behind him and stand with my back pressed against it, my eyes closing on their own accord.

_There's a knock on the door but I ignore it. I've ignored a lot of those lately. I know it's Kyla, and as supportive as she thinks she's being, she's really just annoying the hell out of me. There's yet another knock to my door, that makes me flinch, usually Kyla leaves by the first, but I continue to ignore her. It isn't until the fifth knock do I consider answering the door, but I don't. When the tenth knock comes I get up off the couch and make my way to the door. But, when I open it, it isn't the face I was expecting to see. There isn't a shorter, younger version of me. Instead I come face to face with Glen._

_He has his head down. Maybe it's to lessen the blow of what his face would tell, I don't know. He's wearing a faded pair of Adidas, khaki shorts, and a light blue Polo. His hair is a disheveled mess, but none of that matters, none hold any significance whatsoever, because when he looks at me, when he lifts his eyes to meet mine, I break. I completely shatter into a million unrecognizable pieces. His eyes have taken on a shade of red I instantly recognize, his tears providing cause._

_When he walks into the apartment, walks right past my still stunned being, I fall to the ground. I clutch the carpet surrounding me and this undecipherable sound erupts from my lips and a flood of water springs from my eyes._

_I can feel him lifting my body from the ground, know he is guiding me to the couch. He sits me down and takes a seat beside me. I am aware of all of this, but I'm not in that room. I can't be in that room, I can't handle the truth that seems to overwhelm this room. He begins going through a bag I hadn't realized was in his hands, a bag I didn't know he brought into my apartment. He pulls out a case of beer, taking one for himself and placing one in front of me. _

_I stare at the bottle, watching the condensation make its way to my unprotected coffee table, but I don't care. Nothing matters at this point. I can feel the tears spilling over as I attempt to gain control of my voice. "When did…" I can't finish the question, I can't make this a reality, I can't handle it being a reality. _

"_This morning." _

_We sit there for two hours, both of us in our own worlds. We don't say a word. I stare at the beer on my table and he sips his. I can feel the numbness begin to take over but I don't fight it. I embrace it. When he stands I do too. I follow him to the door and we stop at the doorway. We don't say anything there either. We just look at each other, our minds speaking the same thoughts. When he leans in, I don't back away. I allow him to engulf me in his arms, holding me tight to him, me holding on with just as much force. He squeezes me softly then holds me at arms length. He whispers I'm sorry and turns around and leaves. I stand there staring at the wall for ten minutes before I shut the door. I make it to the couch before the crying becomes uncontrollable and the trembling takes over my entire body._

I open my eyes and make my way to my bedroom. I lock the door behind me and head straight for the closet. I grab the video camera and the tripod and set them up per usual. I take a seat on the bed and pull out that old letter. I unfold it and trace my fingers slowly over the words, over what I had thought would be the worst thing to ever happen.

_Ashley,_

_I'm sorry. I am so sorry. And I know that it may not mean that much to you right now, it's not even scratching the surface of how badly I feel, but it's all I can think to say. I can't do this Ash. I can't keep doing this, not to you. I'm not strong enough to handle this and you shouldn't have to, you shouldn't have to put your life on hold for me. I can't be the one to hold you back. So, I'm letting you go. I'm giving you the option life never gave me. I want you to live, to explore, to do all the things I stopped you from doing, to be the person I stopped you from becoming. I know this seems like the coward's way out, to give up when things start to get tough, but this is just about the bravest thing I've ever done. I love you enough to walk away, to let you experience all of life. You can't do that if we're together. The day at the lake, when I gave you the promise ring, I meant every word, every promise. You are my forever. And although you'll argue otherwise, I'm not yours. I can't be yours, it wouldn't be fair. You deserve so much more. You deserve eternity not half a lifetime. I'm sorry for breaking my promises and for going back on the vows I made. Maybe one day we'll meet again and get to have our forever, get to experience all that we missed out on, but until then, I just want you to be happy and live without regret. I love you more than you'll ever know._

_All my love,_

_Spencer_

I was wrong. There were far worst things that could happen. I pick up the remote point it at the camera and hit record. I look into the lens for a moment before speaking. "Tomorrow's the anniversary. It officially makes two years."


	5. Lost In a Nightmare

So, I'm back with another update. A mixture of college demands and dissatisfaction with my writing being the reason I didn't update sooner. I'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter, it was really hard for me to write, but hopefully you'll all enjoy it. I just really want to thank everyone reading and everyone of you reviewing, I know this is not a "traditional" Spashley story but I'm glad that you're sticking in there and letting me tell it. Hopefully this will answer any questions or doubts that you may still have. I'll try to update as soon as I can.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Remember: Flashbacks in Italics

Enjoy!

**Lost In a Nightmare**

_I sit there silently. I wait for something else to be said, something that could somehow invalidate the confession that had just been made. But it doesn't come. She doesn't speak. She sits there silently playing with her fingers waiting for me to present her with my reaction. I don't say anything, I can't say anything, this shock overwhelming my sense of reasoning entirely. This was something unexpected, something unfathomable, yet here I stand faced with this impossibility, having to deal with its consequences. I look up to see her staring back at me. _

"_Are they sure?"_

"_Yeah…they're sure."_

_I close my eyes. I squeeze them shut and attempt to alter my reality, to change the damage it is sure to inflict. I know the tears are begging to spring forward, begging to envelop my fragile features, but somehow I hold them back. I take her hand in my own and squeeze it gently. _

"_I'm okay, really." She takes her hand from mine and begins to massage her temples, I simply sit there my eyes fixed on her face. _

"_So, what next? Where do we go from here?" I ask, she shrugs her shoulders, clears her throat and removes her hands from her face. _

"_Chemo…then, I don't know."_

I awake to an empty room. The darkness taking over the surroundings entirely. It's a bit poetic, seems to fit perfectly in this place and this moment. I stare at the ceiling, remembering a time when that's all I could will myself to do. My eyes follow the ceiling fan as the tears come down. It's how this day works. It's spent completely obliterating every wall I managed to put up during the year, only to start from scratch and rebuild.

"_How are you really taking this?"_

_I turn to look at her. I take a good look at the pale, fragile girl laying on the bed, the life in her eyes overshadowing the state of her body. I take in the absolute transformation that's occurred and another part of me breaks, completely shatters and is swept under my rug of emotions. "What do you mean?"_

"_I know you. I know that you're trying to be strong, for the both of us, that you're trying to control something that we have no control over. But I need to know how you're really doing. I need to know how you're handling everything."_

"_I'm fine."_

_She shakes her head then slowly attempts to get up and I move to her side immediately. I try to help her but she pushes my arms away and heads toward our bedroom closet. I watch her take slow and deliberate steps to the closet, her frail body moving ever so carefully. I want more than anything to reach out to her and lead her back to bed, to take care of her, to take away all that she's going through, but I can't. These circumstances reaching far beyond my control. Once she reaches the closet she bends forward and grabs something from the corner. Turning around, she slowly makes her way to the bed and takes a seat. She points to the dresser directly in front of her asking me to take a seat. I do as instructed while she pulls the camera from behind her back and points it in my direction._

"_What are you doing?"_

"_I want you to talk about how you're feeling. You obviously won't tell just me, so tell it to the camera." _

"_Spence-"_

"_Please Ash, just pretend I'm not here. It's just you and the camera."_

_I roll my eyes, already feeling the heat rising in my face. "I'm not doing this."_

"_Ash-"_

"_Just drop it."_

"_Will you just-"_

"_What Spencer? What do you want me to say? You want me to tell you that I'm scared? Huh? That I'm terrified of losing you?" Tears begin to fill my eyes, ready at anytime to boil over._

"_Ashley."_

"_Stop. Okay, just stop. Stop trying to be the person that's there for me when it's supposed to be the other way around. I'm trying. I'm trying really hard here to be okay, to be strong for you, but I need you to let me."_

"_I don't want you to be strong for me. I want you to feel with me. To let me know this is affecting you too." She moves closer to me, keeping the camera facing me._

"_How could it not affect me? I could lose you Spence…I could lose you."_

"_I just need you to talk to me, to be here with me." She grabs a hold of my hand with the one not holding the camera in place, running her fingers soothingly across my skin._

_I shut my eyes, hot tears running down my face. I take in a slow and shallow breath, wishing more than anything that this wasn't my life, that this was somehow a mistake, a big cosmic joke, but when I pry open my tear filled eyes, I'm met with a camera lens, and I know there's no mistake, that this is my reality. "I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want to wake up one day and not have you next to me. I want to be able to hold you, to kiss you, and to tell you I love you everyday for the rest of our lives." I take a deep breath, begging for it's ability to give me strength at my weakest moments "I don't think I can handle losing you."_

_Suddenly the camera is being placed on the dresser behind me, and I'm being pulled tightly to her body. I wrap my arms around her and hold on for dear life. She kisses my neck softly and that seems to cause the tears to come down harder. "You could never lose me. No matter what, I'll always be yours."_

I sit up and roll out of bed, not bothering to throw a shirt over my bra and boxers, I head into the kitchen and grab a beer. I set it on the table and take a seat on the couch. I wait for what is expected, what's to come. Like clock work the door opens and she walks in. She takes a seat beside me and picks up the beer. She pops the top and begins to sip it. I lean my head on her shoulders, and we just sit in the silence. Occasionally she rubs my shoulders soothingly but otherwise we're completely still.

"It would've been harder." I turn to face my sister, watching as she begins tearing at the label on the bottle.

They're the first words to be spoken in over an hour, they take me by surprise, usually no words are said during this exchange. "What would?"

"If Spencer had stayed. Seeing her getting worse and not being able to do anything about it. I think it would've been harder. She saved you from some of that pain."

"Yeah, but in the end it hurt all the same."

_I awake to the sound of crying, tears drenching my shirt's sleeve. I turn to look at the girl beside me. The most beautiful girl in the world and I have to choke back a cry of my own. Looking down on pale skin, lightly covered by blonde hair and tears streaming down the face of such a fragile being and my heart aches for her. I pull her into me, hoping for something, anything that could remove even a glimmer of her pain. When she feels my grip tighten around her, it causes the tears to pour down her face at an even faster rate and I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what I could do or even say to attempt to soothe the woman beside me. I run my fingers through her hair and a few strands come with it, that causes a tremor in that hand, a tremor determined to take over my entire body, forcing my complete break down._

_It's in that moment we both lose it. Pulled together tightly, holding on with everything we have, we allow our world to come crashing down, because nothing can change this. Nothing can undo the damage that's been done. So, I hold her, I wrap my arms around my entire world and hope that this is just another obstacle to overcome._

Kyla looks over at me, stares for a moment before getting up off the couch. I follow suit, quickly being pulled into a hug. She whispers that she loves me and makes her way to the door. I watch her leave before heading to my bedroom. I go into the closet and pull out the video camera and tripod, I place it in it's familiar spot and brace myself for the recording.

"It's been two years, two whole years and I still can't figure out how to live my life without you."


	6. Filled With Sorrow, Filled With Pain

So, I'm back with yet another update. I've never been so appreciative of snow before now, but sense it gave me a snow day and allowed me the time to write this I'll never complain about it again. I want to thank everyone reading and everyone of you reviewing. It makes me happy to know that my story is being enjoyed. Any possible questions that could still be lingering will be answered, if not in this chapter, then in the next few. I'll try to update as soon as I can.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Remember: Flashbacks in Italics

Enjoy!

**Filled With Sorrow, Filled With Pain**

_I stare at the ceiling, allowing time to slowly tick by me. I can feel her tossing and turning on the bed beside me but I don't move. I allow the ceiling above us to hold all of my attention. She wraps her arms protectively around my waist and pulls me in tightly, gaining my attention almost immediately. I look down at her, focus on the thin body holding on to my own. I look to the pillow that had just held her head and notice a trail of blonde hair leading all the way to my black shirt. She sniffles in the darkness and crashes through the silence, before too long I can feel the wetness from where her tears penetrate my top._

"_Are you awake?" She gently brushes my arm as she asks this._

_I lean down and kiss the top of her head to give her my answer. _

"_I'm sorry." She sits up slowly and faces me. "I wanted to tell you sooner. I didn't mean to take this long, I really didn't. I just got scared. All these things were happening at once and I just didn't want to worry you if it was nothing. I wanted it to be nothing."_

_I sit up too. I scoot up to her and pull her into a hug, holding on a little tighter than I should. "You don't have to apologize Spence, not about anything." She pulls away from me slightly and begins wiping the tears from her eyes. "I know that this is hard, that some days it feels like we're fighting a losing battle, but we're not. You're stronger than this thing, I just know it."_

"_But, what if I'm not?"_

"_You are Spence, you are more than strong enough."_

_Her lips meet my own instinctively and before I realize it, I'm on top of her, kissing her like I haven't in months, like I've wanted to for months. She pulls me closer and closer, deepening the kiss all the more. I want so badly to follow the urge of my body, to take her in this moment with no trepidation, but then I remember, I remember the weakness and fragility. Using willpower I didn't know I possessed, I pull myself away from her and roll onto the bed beside her body. Something tells me that she suspected as much to happen. She doesn't protest, she doesn't act frustrated, she simply kisses my neck and whispers that she loves me._

_Before too long her breathing evens out and I know she's fallen asleep. I turn away from her and face the other side of the room staring at the blank white walls, and soon sleep claims me as well. _

_When I wake up in the morning the bed beside me is cold and empty. A sense of panic runs through me until I turn over and find myself face to face with a letter. Taking it from the nightstand, I open it and begin reading her words. The tears begin to make their way down my face before I even reach the letter's conclusion. I close my eyes a few times and re-read the letter, hoping to somehow change its contents, when that doesn't work, I bolt out of bed, grabbing my car keys as I make my way to the door and towards the elevator and eventually to my car. _

I step into the shower and allow the warm water to cascade down unflinching flesh. I let it wash over me, cleansing my being from head to toe. I absorb this feeling of relief, this feeling of absolute release. But, soon enough that feeling disappears, and as I leave the bathroom and begin getting dressed I know the feeling won't return today. I won't find that relief during this day of destruction.

_There's a knock to my apartment door before it is opened. I don't bother to get up from the couch where I've been for the past few days._

"_You know, it's rude to just barge into another person's house."_

"_Usually, but you probably wouldn't let me in here otherwise."_

"_It's kind of the point Glen." He steps away from the door and takes a seat beside me. "What are you doing here?"_

"_Spencer."_

_I shut my eyes, trying to rid myself of the anger I know to be boiling deep within. "How is she?"_

_He turns away from me, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before opening them again. He fiddles with his hands for a moment before speaking. "Not so good…It spread."_

_My breath catches and my heart begins to beat at twice its normal speed. "What do you mean it spread?"_

"_It's in her Central Nervous System." He clears his throat. "They ran a couple of tests and found it in her brain and spinal cord."_

_The tears start falling before I have a chance to control them, my mouth running dry almost immediately. "They can do something about that though, right?" He lowers his head and avoids my pleading gaze. "Glen!"_

"_I, uh, I think you should go see her." He gets up off the couch and starts walking towards the door, I call out his name as he pulls it open. He stops in his tracks but he doesn't turn around to face me._

"_She's not going to be okay is she?"_

_He sighs. "I don't know Ash. I just don't know." His voice trembling with every word._

I walk into the living room and head for the DVD player. I place the DVD inside it, grab the remote, and make my way to the couch. I take a moment to prepare myself before I point the remote in the direction of the TV and turn it on and then press play. It takes a moment for it to fade from black to unsteady camera work. I can hear Aiden's voice in the background as the camera shifts from person to person. Finally it lands on Spencer, her blonde hair flowing perfectly, although held in place by the cap, her diploma in hand.

I hear my voice telling Aiden to interview Spencer and he begins walking in her direction, he stops directly in front of her and zooms in.

"_So, Spence, you've just graduated from high school, you have a smoking hot girlfriend, and you're going to the college of your dreams. So, I've gotta ask, what will you do next?"_

_She laughs and swats him on the arm. I take the camera from him and push him out of my way. "You're an idiot." I turn my attention back to Spencer, who is giving me a look that I instantly recognize. "What? It's true."_

_She laughs and shakes her head at me. "Yes, but you could stand to be nicer to him."_

"_Fine." I turn to face Aiden and mumble out an apology. "Happy now?"_

_She rolls her eyes then smiles at me. "Extremely."_

_I zoom in on her face. "Okay, seriously, what is next for Spencer Carlin?"_

_She chuckles lightly. "I don't know."_

"_Oh, come on."_

"_Okay, fine, um…we're gonna go back to your place, and I'm gonna do some very naughty things to you."_

_I gasp. "Spencer Carlin! Your parents are going to see this."_

"_Whoops."_

I smile as the image of the video camera being shoved into Aiden's chest and Spencer and I speed walking to my car flashes across the screen. After a moment, the DVD fades to black and I'm left staring at my own reflection on the screen.


	7. Breathe

So, I'm back with the second to last update. Which means, that the next update will be the last for this story. I want to thank everyone that has read this story and especially everyone that has left me a review. I hope you all enjoy reading this chapter and I guess I'll see you all one more time.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Remember: Flashbacks in Italics

Enjoy!

**Breathe**

_I stand outside of the door, outside of the room. I try to imagine something else, I cling to the belief that it's not her, that this fragile girl laying inside that room is not my Spencer. She's not my forever on its way to an end. One look inside tells me different, tells me no amount of wishful thinking will take Spencer out of this place. I notice the noise as I step in. I notice the ever-present beeping disturbing an otherwise silent room. I notice the lift and fall of her chest as ragged breath after ragged breath escapes her body. My hands begin to shake and I put them behind me. I show no fear in the face of this destruction. I can't show fear. It'll only obliterate me if I do. I hold my ground, standing firm, tall. I hear her sigh and the tears start. This was a mistake. A bad idea bound to end in disaster. I can't handle this. I can't be the anchor of strength when it was a job she so easily claimed as her own. I fold, I turn and walk right out of the room. I'm not strong enough to handle this, that thought replays itself in my mind, it becomes the mantra of my escape. I leave the room holding my worst fear and walk in no particular direction. I just walk. I head in the opposite direction of this tragedy. _

_I walk away with purpose, with determination. I'm almost at a run when a voice calls out to me, a voice that stops me dead in my tracks, stills me completely. I don't bother turning around to see the disappointment etched across Glen's face. I hold completely still, wanting more than anything to go back in time and change my present. I bow my head as he approaches me. I flinch when he rests his hand on my shoulder and guides me to where I assume is the waiting room. He sits down while I stand there holding myself together. I cling to my arms, hugging them to me tighter and tighter. Maybe if I hold on tight enough I won't fall apart. I won't lose the most important parts of me. _

_He looks up at me. "It's okay, you know."_

_I turn to face him, shaking my head slightly, not completely understanding his meaning._

"_To be scared, I mean."_

_I take a seat beside him and cover my face with my hands. "I know."_

"_It can't be an excuse though. You can't let that stop you."_

"_I'm supposed to show no fear right? Just charge in, balls to the wall, and face it head on? Well, I'm sorry but I can't do that."_

_He grabs a hold of both of my arms, bringing me to face him and stares me directly in the eyes. "No. You go in there with all your fears, you show her that no matter how terrified you are, it's not gonna keep you away, that no matter how much she pushes or how much your fears and doubts push at you, you're not going anywhere, you're not going to back down, because she means that much to you."_

"_It's not that simple."_

"_Nothing's ever simple Ash. If it were, then we wouldn't be in this situation, Spencer wouldn't be in that room right now, and this," He gestures between us. "This conversation wouldn't be happening. But, you know what? Things aren't simple. They're complicated and they're messy. But we deal, we accept and move on or we fight like hell to change it. But it's never simple."_

_The tears come streaming down my face and I break all resolve. "But, what if I can't handle this?"_

"_You wouldn't be here if you couldn't." With that he gets up and walks away. He leaves me to this nearly empty waiting room, tears flowing down my face, and his words ringing in my ears. _

I walk into the room down the hall from my own, her room. A room that reminds me so much of Spencer, back when she was my Spencer, that I can't even stand to be there, but I am. I enter that room with nothing holding me back. Turning the light on, I notice painting after painting lining the walls. Some or put up and others are just leaning against it. There's a layer of dust on just about everything. I run my fingers across a table holding some of her paints and it leaves a trace. I walk further into the room so that I'm standing in the middle, looking around at her creations.

_I stand outside of that door once again, right outside of that room. I will myself to push it open and walk in but my feet fail me, they don't move, they stay rooted to what is safe. I lean my head against the doorframe and curse my inability to face this moment, my inability to face her. Out of the corner of my eye I see Glen, I see him watching me. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to gain control of myself. Taking a deep breath, I open the door and walk right in, closing it behind me. _

_The beeping of the machines invades my hearing, making it more than difficult to concentrate on the reason for my being there. I try to avoid all eye contact as I make my way to the chair beside her bed. I take a seat and immediately stare down at my feet._

"_Ashley?" The voice is weak and strained, it's not the one I'm used to but it still seems to make me smile. _

_I look up to see her staring at me. Her pale face and the dark circles under her eyes, do nothing to remove even a hint of her beauty. "Hey."_

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_I came to see you."_

_A slow smile forms on her face and I try not to focus on the gray of her dry lips. "Yeah?" It comes out more of an exasperated sigh._

"_Yeah."_

_She closes her eyes, breathing in deeply. "I'm glad." She sighs contently as she grabs a hold of my hand and begins to fall asleep. I can't control it when the tears come down my face, or when I find myself quietly sobbing as her grip grows tighter._

_I get up from the chair, trying not to stir enough to wake her. I lean down and kiss her on the cheek, then on the forehead. I whisper gently into her ear. "I love you so much." And I slowly and carefully remove my hand from her grasps. I make my way out of that room and out of that door, colliding instantly with the floor, crying uncontrollably as Glen wraps his arms around me and holds my trembling form._

"_You did it."_

I walk out of the room holding a painting in my hands. I shut the door behind me before making my way to the living room. I set the painting on the couch before I go over to the bookcase and take down the things that once covered its surface. I walk over to the couch, grab the painting and place it on the bookcase, leaning it against the wall. I take a step back and look at it, I examine what had been so precious to Spencer. I take a good look at the huge tree nearing the water's edge and the two bodies laying beneath it. I stare at the brunette with the blonde laying down beside her, their bodies intertwined.

"_Okay, you have to promise to be completely honest."_

"_Spencer."_

"_Promise me."_

_I roll my eyes. "Fine. I promise." _

_She takes a deep breath and pulls the cover away from the painting on the easel. I look at it and my jaw drops. It's our lake. It's the absolute beauty and hideousness that is our lake. It's all captured there on the canvas and I'm speechless, and there, right under our tree is our painted selves to forever encompass this most sacred of places._

_I look up to find her biting her lip. "So, what do you think?"_

_I don't say anything for a moment and she looks down at her feet. Dragging the toe of her shoe back and forth across the carpet. "I love it."_

_She looks up and meets my eyes, her smile taking over her face completely. "Really?"_

"_It's amazing. You're amazing." _

I stare at that painting for more than ten minutes before I drag myself away. I walk into my bedroom, grab my keys off of my night stand and the jacket that was perched on my bed. I head for the door and lock it behind me before making my way to the elevator and down to my car.


	8. Hold On

So, I'm back and this is indeed the last chapter. I really just want to thank everyone that has read this story and especially everyone that has left me a review. It means so much, especially, since this is my first fanfic. I hope you all enjoyed this journey and maybe I'll be back with another story, a more traditional Spashley story, but who knows.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

Remember: Flashbacks in Italics

Enjoy!

**Hold On**

I pull up to the lake and park the car. I don't move. I sit in there taking in this place. It's been too long since I've been here, so long that I feel like I've drifted away from its meaning, from Spencer, and that's one of the worst truths to admit. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, hoping to keep the tears, ready to spring forward, at bay.

_I'm sitting under this tree, guitar in hand, strumming it lightly as I look out into the view of the lake. I hum a bit before my fingers still and I'm lost in a gaze. It isn't until I hear footsteps coming from behind do I shake myself out of my far off stare. I look up to see the most beautiful blue eyes staring my way. She gives me a smile and I nod my head in acknowledgement. She then goes over to the water's edge and takes a seat on a rock there, her feet dangling in the cold water. I watch her sitting there silently, just watching the light ripples made in the water each time a toe dips across it. I smile as she bites her bottom lip and tucks her hair behind her ears. I take my time shifting my sights from her to the lake before us, then slowly down to the guitar that my hand unconsciously begun strumming. I close my eyes as the tune seems to completely engulf me. _

_I don't know how long I've been sitting, playing the guitar with my eyes closed, but suddenly I'm being hit by something. At first I dismiss it, but then it happens again and then for a third time. I look up to see the beautiful, blue eyed, blonde standing a few feet away from me, a smile on her face. I look down and notice three pebbles resting on my lap and even more surrounding my body._

_I look up and meet her gaze, not being able to hide the smile on my face. "These from you?" I ask gesturing around me._

_She smiles shyly. "Yeah, I was trying not to scare you."_

"_So, you decided to throw things at me instead?"_

"_Yeah, I guess I didn't really think that through." She says laughing lightly as she makes her way towards me. "I'm Spencer."_

_I take the hand offered to me and shake it. "Ashley."_

_She takes a seat beside me. I look over her, curiosity filling me immediately. "So, you were throwing things at me for what reason?"_

"_I was trying to get your attention." She says plainly._

_I roll my eyes. "And now that you have it?"_

"_Play something." She says gesturing to the guitar in my hands._

"_What?"_

"_Well, I was just thinking, I've been sitting over there for a half hour and couldn't help wondering what your voice sounded like. So, play me something." She says as a blush creeps over her cheeks._

_I look down at the guitar in my hands and back up at the girl beside me, a smile taking over my face. "On one condition."_

"_What?"_

"_You have to tell me something about yourself. Deal?"_

"_Deal."_

"_Okay." I clear my throat and begin to strum my guitar, closing my eyes as the words fill my mind, and as I begin to sing, I can feel something happening, something so amazing that as I look over at the girl beside me, I know nothing will ever be the same ever again._

"_Spend your life searching_

_Waiting in line_

_I know you're holding on to what you can't find_

_When the light is fading and it's hard to see_

_I hope you know you're still apart of me_

_So hold on_

_Hold on to me_

_Hold on_

_Hold on to me…"_

_A smile spreads across her face as the last word leaves my lips. I continue to strum the guitar long after I've stopped singing, just watching her look at me._

"_Okay, your turn." I say slowly, a lump forming in my throat._

"_Something about me?" I nod and she takes a deep breath. "Okay, I really, really want to kiss you right now." _

_Without a second thought I lean in. I capture her lips with my own and revel in the feeling of it. I kiss her deeply, pulling her close to me, putting the guitar aside as she tangles her hands in my hair and I place my hands on her waist. I kiss her right under this tree, in front of this lake, for the world to see. I kiss this stranger with all the passion I can muster and I know I'll never be the same. A kiss has never been this good, this powerful. And as we pull apart, I look into the most beautiful blue eyes and never look back._

I pull the car door open and begin making my way to the tree in front of the lake. I walk slowly, trying to prolong this feeling of connection with Spencer that I always feel here. As I take a seat beside the tombstone there, my hand landing on it instinctively, I can't help remembering the last time I had been there, the last time I felt this connected to Spencer.

_I stare out at the lake, hoping to stall just a little longer. I can't will myself to turn around and face this moment. I've avoided it, this admitting of defeat, it's why I wasn't here early. I didn't join the others in their need to say goodbye. I could never say goodbye, not to Spencer, not to my entire world. But here I am doing just that. I'm accepting this tragedy for what it is and still I am the coward. I stall, I try to battle the inevitable, but it was in the universes nature to win. It had already taken so much, what was my hope to it now, just another momentum to add to its collection. I finally turn around, I face the view, the same one that had witnessed the greatest of our moments, and walk head on into the here and now. I walk to the tombstone laying under the tree, our tree, our lake. I kneel in front of it and can't help the sob that escapes my lips. _

_Words fill my head as I look at the name written across stone, her words, her name._

"_I get that we're only in high school and naïve…and every other label that people love to put on us and our relationship, but I also get that we're meant to be. We're meant to be more than just some high school fling or…a college convenience. You're my forever and I hope I'm right in thinking I'm yours."_

"_I have to tell you something."_

"_Chemo…then, I don't know."_

"_You could never lose me. No matter what, I'll always be yours."_

"_I wanted to tell you sooner. I didn't mean to take this long, I really didn't. I just got scared. All these things were happening at once and I just didn't want to worry you if it was nothing. I wanted it to be nothing."_

"_I can't do this Ash. I can't keep doing this, not to you. I'm not strong enough to handle this and you shouldn't have to, you shouldn't have to put your life on hold for me. I can't be the one to hold you back. So, I'm letting you go."_

"_Just go home Ash."_

_They play out the sequence of my life with her, following the timeline perfectly. I lay down beside her tombstone, wanting to feel her body beside me like it used to be when we were under this tree, but I can't. I no longer have her and that shakes me to my core. As the sun begins to set I decide to get up from my spot on the ground. I don't bother wiping myself off as I stand there staring at her name. A bitter smile spreading across my face. _

"_Spend your life searching_

_Waiting in line_

_I know you're holding on to what you can't find_

_When the light is fading and it's hard to see_

_I hope you know you're still apart of me_

_So hold on_

_Hold on to me_

_Hold on_

_Hold on to me…"_

_The last words come out forced as the tears begin to fall. And as I walk away, in the direction of my car, I feel the overwhelming sensation of change looming once again, I don't turn and look back. I get into my car and drive away. I leave behind this reminder._

The tears I'd been holding back fall. They drown my face entirely. I don't bother trying to wipe them away. I can't hide them, not here, not in our place. I let them fall freely, it's cathartic really. I look out at the lake and it dawns on me that it's the first time that I've been here in two years. I think of all the fears that had stopped me so many times before and they seem so trivial now. Me coming back to this place was inevitable, but the fear of how I'd return kept me away. Now, sitting in this most sacred of places, surrounded by the memory of the most important person in my life, and I know that I won't go back worse. I've hit my bottom and it's only up for me now. I kiss the top of the tombstone as I lift myself up off the ground.

"You'll always be my forever." With that I leave. I make my way to the car and vow to return, to never let go of the woman that completely changed my life. As I reach the car I pull out my cell phone and invite Kyla over for pizza and a movie, ready at last to finally talk about Spencer, my Spencer, and have that camera put away for good.


End file.
